What the fuck do I write about?
As a writer, inspiration should come easy to you. If it doesn’t, it either means (a.) you’re dumb, (b.) you’re lazy, or (c.) there’s something wrong with you mentally. If you’re anything like me, you have a thousand different ideas bouncing around in your head every single second of every single day – so many ideas it sometimes feels like your goddamn brain is being crushed in a vice grip and you just want to scream out to God “Please, please, please make it stop, you sadistic bastard! I can’t take it anymore!” But in a good way.
For the sake of argument, let’s say you are a dumb, lazy person who has something wrong with them mentally. All hope is not lost! There are many, many things you can do to forcibly hijack creativity and fly it straight into the skyscraper of your imagination. And you don’t even need to be a creative person to come up with them because I’m going to just tell them to you. Please keep in mind that these are not suggestions, but iron-clad rules that every single famous writer who has ever lived follows. What? You don’t believe me? Correct me if I’m wrong, but did you write this novel available on amazon.com? No? Oh, because I did, so shut up.
Don’t Read Books.
You’ve probably had a teacher or some other unqualified non-professional writer tell you that all good writers are good readers. That reading helps the writer refine their own style, gives them a better grasp on grammar, increases their vocabulary, and teaches them what good writing should look like. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If writers spent all day reading lame-ass books, when would they be writing? They wouldn’t. I never read. In fact, I HATE reading. I’ve never once finished reading a book. Not even my own. But then again, I’m not selling my own books to myself, am I? Nope. Reading is a waste of time. DON’T BOTHER. In fact, if you were a real writer, you’d stop reading this right now. Did you stop? I bet you didn’t. You’ll never be a professional with that kind of attitude.
Ride the Subway.
All writers should ride the subway. It’s a great place to people watch. There’s a shitload of freaks on the subway and they’re all talking about the weirdest things. It’s cool because no one is paying attention to you and you can steal ideas from people who don’t even know they’re giving away free ideas. Bring a tape recorder so you can tape record every snippet of conversation from the girls sitting next to you. If you’re like me and take your writing career very, very seriously, then you might want to go even further than that and bring a video recorder instead. Preferably something small and discreet. What you do is turn the video recorder on, bend down like you’re tying your shoe and then slip the camera on the ground over so it’s filming up the hotter of the two girl’s skirt. Later, you can review the footage in more intimate surroundings and take notes. Sexy, sexy notes.
If you happen to live in the kind of place that doesn’t have a subway system, then unfortunately you’re in a cultural wasteland and you will probably never be a famous writer. You can try this tip on the bus, but the bumps usually make the picture all blurry.
When In Doubt, Rip Other Writers Off.
Let’s be honest: Every idea in the world has already been thought of. You can’t help the fact that you were born 500,000 years into human history. It’s been a half-million years since that first asshole monkey decided “Oh, I’m going to eat this apple from the Tree of Knowledge and then bang an alien,” or however human beings came into existence. That’s a hell of a head start! It’s very difficult to be original, so you shouldn’t worry about it too much. When you can’t think of an original idea on your own, just rip off someone else’s successful idea and change it a little bit. For example, maybe Harry Potter has a brother named Larry Potter who goes on an adventure to find his own sorcerer’s stone with the half-blood Prince of Azkaban, or whatever. Perhaps that girl from Twilight and that pale wussy-looking kid with the jacked-up hair don’t live happily ever after, so they do a bunch of other shit, and then live happily ever after when that’s done.
Maybe Pablo Picasso also helped cover up a religious conspiracy with his “code.”
Maybe a bunch of people get stuck in a theme park with dinosaurs from the cretaceous period.
Maybe men are from Jupiter, and women are from Uranus.
Maybe you want to tell the story of the 2nd greatest generation.
You get the picture here. It’s even okay if more than one of you decide to use same idea. I’ve even used some of them already. Like I said, people hate original stuff. It scares and confuses them. But people love the same old thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. It’s your job as the writer to give it to them.
There you have it, Future Writers of Tomorrow, a few of the secrets known only to us pros. I hope this helped you “find your creative muse.” Now all you have to do is “make love to her” with your “mind penis” using the “lubrication” of your words. It couldn’t be simpler! And if this didn’t help, well then as I said before, there is something wrong with you mentally.
HOMEWORK
Freewriting exercise: Take a pad and a pencil to a nice quiet spot and set a timer for 10 minutes. Begin writing. Do not lift your pencil off the paper. Do not stop, even if the only thing you can think to write is “I don’t know what to write” over and over again. Write nonsense. Write anything. Just keep going until the timer dings. When the 10 minutes is up, reread what you’ve just written. Then crumble it into a ball and throw it in the garbage. What a waste of time.
~ Danger_Slater
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