MECHANICS: Punctuation

Punctuation. What the hell is it?

Punctuation is undoubtedly one of the most confusing parts of writing. There are lots of different types of punctuation marks and it’s a real pain in the ass to remember which one to use, or to even use any at all. Today, I’m going to demystify what each punctuation mark means and show you, the Future Writers of Tomorrow, how you can harness the power of punctuation and have it work for you!

But before all that, let me first define what punctuation is. Punctuation (or not-letters, as us professionals like to say) is a set of arbitrary symbols that structure and organize written language and help indicate inundation and pacing when reading out loud. That’s all well and good, but punctuation definitely servers a higher purpose than just that. Punctuation, when used properly, should be more like a decoration for your writing. Did you just write a boring sentence? Throw a bunch of apostrophes and ampersands in there to spruce it up. Does your writing feel bland? It won’t when a dozen brackets and quotation marks and guillemets (look it up) are littering up your page. Shit, if I’m writing a particularly dry paragraph, sometimes I’ll take the words out of it completely and just have 7 or 8 solid lines of pure punctuation marks. I find that a nice chunk of unbroken semicolons can make a dull paper look infinitely more interesting.

Of course, none of this really tells you which punctuation mark to use, where to use it, and what it means?

It’s a good thing you have me, a professional writer, to do that for you.

Periods
No, I’m not talking about the bloody vaginal discharge that signifies the end of the menstrual cycle. I’m talking about that little dot thing that writers sometimes put at the end of a sentence. Those are called ‘periods’ and writers employ them fairly often. Periods are used to mark the end of an idea and should be read as ‘dot’. Proper elocution should sound like Morse code. So say you have a series of sentences that read:

“I am on the couch. I am typing this sentence. This sentence ends with a dot.”

Reading that out loud, it should sound like this:

“I am on the couch dot I am typing this sentence dot this sentence ends with a dot dot”

I can’t stress enough how important periods are. They let you know when a girl has finally reached the childbearing age…I mean, they help regulate the flow of a paragraph.

Question Marks
The question mark is an enigma. No one is exactly sure where it came from. Some say it was invented by the Earl of Bewildermentshire after appearing to him in a particularly confusing dream. Other claim it was the Mayans whom discovered the mark; perhaps a somewhat muddled doomsday prophecy handed down to them by ancient astronauts. Still others claim the question mark has been around since before time existed, somewhere out there in the aether, the question mark watches over mankind, like a peeping tom. Or God.

Whatever its origin, the question mark is used in literature to denote one thing and one thing only: sarcasm.

Example: “Oh, did you want this last piece of pie? I didn’t see your name on it.”

Exclamation Points
Exclamation points! Horray!
Exclamation points are used to indicate strong feelings or high volumes (shouting). Writers should feel free to use exclamation points in place of periods whenever the fancy strikes them. Don’t even think about it. Just swap ‘em out for the hell of it. Readers usually like being yelled at and berated. If they didn’t like being berated, they’d do something less nerdy than reading. Isn’t that right, you nerdy bitch! You fucking love when I talk to you like this, don’t you! DON’T YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The more exclamation points you use, the louder you’re yelling. Always use as many exclamation points as possible. I like to stick them in them ! middle of sentences sometimes, just to keep the reader on his toes. It’s also a great way to take up space if there is a minimum page limit on the piece you are currently writing.

Commas
The comma is the most misused punctuation mark in the entire English language. And by misused I mean most writers don’t use enough commas. Think of a long sentence like a wide river. It’s unrealistic to expect your reader to swim across that. Commas are like stepping stones. The more commas, the easier it is to cross. Here is an example:

“The novice writer didn’t use enough commas in his work.”

Oh my god, I almost drowned trying to read that! Here’s a better, more comma-friendly version of the sentence above:

“The foolish, novice writer, whom didn’t, as of yet, use enough commas when working on his writing,, although communicating in a manner that is understood, concisely, yet incorrectly,, the  writer, whose sentence this is,, lacked enough commas.”

Do you see how the use of commas made that sentence flow? A couple of dozen well placed commas can give your writing cadence. It can make a simple boring-ass sentence sound like poetry. Sometimes, I even like to through an extra comma or two in there, just to make sure the reader doesn’t miss it.

Semicolons
Semicolons are a rarely used and often misunderstood form of punctuation. The purpose of using a semicolon is let the reader know that you know what a semicolon is. As discussed in the post Why Do We Write, the most important thing to writers is to have people think they’re smart; semicolons do all the work for you.

Hyphens, Colons, Asterisks, Ellipses, Parentheses, Backslashes, and That Little Squiggly Line at the Upper Left Section of Your Keyboard
All of these symbols basically mean the same thing. You can intersperse them at your discretion, or be safe and use them all at the same time.

So there you have it.&??””;;(_ Future Writ&rs of Tomorrow*!!~:</??)(,,.. The “*”^secrets’*^^” of punctuation>&!!!?,…”::; At th((e _end_of t-he day,./-):?;;!~?:*…(),~ just rememb&r that l@nguage is about be!ng direct a^nd (com)municating w!th the least amoun’t of confusion possible?,.!!,?::;!.*(?/~!.,,.)(;;?. Dot.

HOMEWORK:Write a short story using every punctuation mark at least once. Finished? Now write a paragraph using every punctuation mark. Now write a sentence using every punctuation mark. Now write a word using every punctuation mark. Can you do it? If so, you’ve mastered the art of punctuation. Congrats. Go get yourself some ice cream.

~ Danger_Slater