Unless you clicked the link for this website by accident, I assume you have an interest in improving your writing skills. If you actually did click the link by accident, I apologize for the serious lack of Bavarian vomit porn. Full disclosure here: I like puke porn just as much as the next guy, but I just had new carpets put down and I’d prefer not to have a bunch of horny German fetish freaks fucking in a puddle of half-digested schweinsbraten on my blog, thank you very much.
Regardless of what brought you here, welcome to Seriously Awful Writing Advice’s inaugural post!
Seriously Awful Writing Advice (SAWA) is the brainchild of Danger_Slater, author of the bizarro tome LOVE ME. Danger_Slater is also me, so I will stop referring to myself in the third person now. I mention the novel LOVE ME not as some sort of cheap ploy to get you to buy a copy (although you should feel free to buy a copy by clicking here) I mention it to let you know that I am a published author, which makes me an authority on everything involving the written word. And since I have been so successful in all of my endeavors, I feel the need to give back. To help those who are struggling, or just starting out. To share my expertise with you, the Future Writers of Tomorrow. I want SAWA to be the go-to place for anyone who even has a passing thought about getting into the writing game. This blog is for you guys. It should be interactive. Get involved. Suggest a link. Send us an e-mail. Oh, and buy my book. Did I mention I wrote one?
Now that the introductions are out of the way, it’s time for the first topic! Yippee!!!
Today I am going to attempt to answer the question that has plagued every writer who has picked up the pen since the beginning of time:
Why do we write?
For many of you out there, you write because you consider it your “art.” You feel compelled to write, such as a painter feels compelled to paint or a musician feels compelled to do a lot of heroin. It’s something intrinsic; something you were born with. You know you have this beautiful thing inside you and you just want to give it to the world, and whether it be through upbringing or fate, you have decided that the best way to do it is by becoming a writer.
Well, as a professional writer I can honestly tell you that that’s stupid. Art is stupid and you are being stupid. Knock it off. If all you want to do is express yourself in an original and creative way, do it like a normal person and get a tattoo. Writing is not about personal expression. It’s not about self-discovery. Writing is not about introspection, communication, entertainment or enlightenment.
Writing is about 3 thing and 3 things only:
1. Money – Let’s face facts, most of the civilized world is literate, and if they’re not literate, then fuck ‘em. It’s not like they know I’m making fun of them right now. My point is, anybody can pick up a pencil and scribble some words on a piece of paper. Just because you know how to spell, does that make you a writer? Hell no! So the only objective way to judge how good of a writer you are is monetarily. How much are your words worth? If you write for any other reason than to make lots and lots of money, you might as well be eating a bowl of alphabet soup. At least the soup has some nutritional value to it. Ever try eating a piece of paper? It’s dry and it tastes like shit. But unless you’re getting paid to write, you better get used to it.
2. Adulation – After the money, the second reason why we write is to receive praise. I know that whenever I open a fresh MS Word document and that blank page is staring at me with all the infinite possibility of my own imagination, my very first thought is “Man, I hope I can write something that will make people think I’m smart.” I was thinking that as I typed the last sentence you just read. It’s very, very important to writers to have strangers think they’re smart. Most of the time, you don’t even need to tell them what your writing is about. All you have to do is show up at some party, be all like “I wrote a book” and people will just assume you’re interesting. And if you actually did write a book, then you are.
3. Getting Laid – This is Number 3 on the list because if you’ve accomplished Number 1 or Number 2, you should’ve already gotten laid. Chicks love dudes with money. Chick also like deep philosophical kind of dudes, so if you haven’t made any money from writing yet, just whip up a poem or something and write it on the inside of an empty cigarette box like you’re all angsty and shit, and then give it to them. She’ll probably blow you right then and there, even if there’s a weird homeless guy watching from that nearby alleyway. Unfortunately, I don’t think the money or poetry thing works quite so well with guys if you’re a female writer. But if you’re a hot female writer, you should be okay.
So there you have it. I have solved the age-old riddle: Why does the artist create art? To make some cash, get a pat on the back, or tap some ass. Simple, eh?Now I understand you’re just at the start of your journey. The path is very long and twisted, and you certainly won’t be a successful writer overnight. It’s going to take perseverance, hard-work, and frequent visits to this site. But before you think this hill insurmountable, you’re in a very advantageous position, one that I didn’t have back when I was first starting out. You have me, a goddamn professional author guiding you! And you have the Seriously Awful Writing Advice network to back you up. Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. NOW GET TO WORK!
HOMEWORK:
Write down how much money you want your writing to make you. Now write down which awards you wish to win. Now compose a list of the celebrities you’d like to bang. Create a reasonable timeline to achieve these things. A couple of weeks, at least. If you’d like, share your list in the comments section below, or you can tape it up on your bathroom mirror. Either way, make a plan and STICK TO IT. Remember, every oak was once an acorn.
~ Danger_Slater
